The Haircut Blog or Let’s All Dethrone Donnie!

BREAKING: TRUMP SHITCANS THE 17 PAGE CDC GUIDANCE WRITTEN BY TOP DISEASE CONTROL EXPERTS ON HOW TO SAFELY OPEN UP THE COUNTRY. “It’ll never see the light of day,” say White House officials. Instead, Donnie will be sending out Winky Dink’s hair care tricks for totally bald CEO’s with low IQ’s. Included are his own hair weave and yak blood scalp injection techniques. Remember, in these days of misery, national crisis and death, it is better to look good than to feel good.

BREAKING: TRUMP HAS SERIOUS MENTAL BREAKDOWN ON WHITE HOUSE LAWN: “DEMOCRATS WANT PEOPLE TO DIE, THEY ARE INFILTRATING OUR COUNTRY AT AN ALARMING RATE, BUT I’M NOT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN. WE’VE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT. I’VE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT AND I’M PERSONALLY SAVING LIVES. I AM THE GREATEST, I WILL TAKE FRAZIER IN TWO ROUNDS. DO NOT LOOK BEHIND THE CURTAIN. I WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN.  BOND, JAMES BOND.” And finally “BADGES? I DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGES!” Donnie’s grasp of reality might be slipping just a bit. 

BREAKING: CRUISE SHIPS ARE ABOUT TO SAIL AGAIN! They are offering incredible deals, with a special added bonus for our times. If you get COVID-19 and die onboard during the cruise, your survivors will get a beautiful, hand-painted model of the ship, with a miniature photo of your loved one resting on a tiny chaise lounge. If you die after you leave the ship, you’re out of luck. 

BREAKING: TRUMP SAYS “THEY TELL ME 600,000 AMERICANS DIED OF FLU IN 1918. NOW LET’S SAY 100,000 DIE OF THIS CORONAVIRUS, I’M NOT SAYING THEY WILL, BUY MAYBE 70 OR 80 THOUSAND NOW, AND 20 LATER ON.  I WILL HAVE SAVED 500,000 AMERICAN LIVES! THAT CERTAINLY DESERVES A NOBLE PRIZE, BUT WILL THE FAKE NEWS GIVE ME CREDIT? OF COURSE NOT.” Son-In-Louse Kushner chimes in, “This administration has met all the challenges and benchmarks of this crisis, and it is a great success story.” Yeah, like your 666 5th Ave. building in Manhattan is a great success story. You seemed so much smarter when you just kept your mouth shut for the first three years. 

BREAKING: TRUMP IS FORCING 1000 WEST POINT GRADUATES TO RISK THEIR LIVES BY COMPELLING THEM TO RETURN TO CAMPUS SO THEY CAN HEAR HIM SAY IN PERSON “I’M INCREDIBLE AT BEING TREMENDOUS. IT’S UNBELIEVABLE HOW TREMENDOUS I’VE BEEN AT BEING INCREDIBLE. PEOPLE SAY THEY CAN’T BELIEVE HOW TREMENDOUS I’VE BEEN. IT’S INCREDIBLE!” Soldiers risk their lives all the time, but for this??? 

BREAKING: An idea for an election billboard

DONALD TRUMP HAS THE IQ OF YOGURT,
BUT IS FAR LESS CULTURED 

Greetings my fellow Americans. Excuse me, I mean my American fellows. My English gets sometimes confused. Your pal Vlad here, communicating to you from the Kremlin. I wish to make some friendly comments about the sham impeachment process your Democrat partisans are lodging against your truly great president The Donald Trump. This Nancy Pelosi person is obviously deranged in the mold of the equally deranged Hillary Clinton, who you wisely discarded in your 2016 election. Without ANY Russian interference whatsoever. You are certainly wise enough to make your minds up without needing our thoroughly investigated information that it was Ukraine who was actively trying to help Hillary Clinton’s campaign by lying about The Donald’s magnificent achievements. And this Adam Schiff person and his friend Buddy Nadler, and their totally phony inquisition into presidential behavior. They are obviously incompetent and biased and THEY should be impeached from your Congress as soon as possible. In Russia we would know what to do with them.

And another thing. Many of your fake media claim that I am The Donald’s puppetmaster, that he is in fact attached to strings that emanate from my fingertips. That he dances and twitches to my every whim and desire. That when we appear together for a “photo op,” he looks subservient and in fact looks like my, how do you say this, my “bitch.” This is totally unfair, untrue, and a false characterization. He is in fact just being humble in the presence of another world leader. In fact, when I think of the word “humble,” I think of Donald J. Trump. In future dictionaries, the word “humble” will have a picture of him next to it as an illustration.

One more thing, if I may. This book The Haircut Who Would Be King, what an unvarnished barrel of laughs it is. Imagine having me pretend to dress like Marlene Dietrich and singing that ‘Falling in love…” song to patrons in a dragging bar. The author, this Trebor fellow has quite the imagination. I appreciate his willingness to let me to post on his blog, and I would like to return the favor should he ever visit Russia. In fact, if he ever appears within a thousand mile radius of Moscow, my hospitality emissaries will give him the reception he so richly deserves.

Moscow Mitch has publicly admitted (boasted) that he will run the senate trial of the soon-to-be impeached president in accordance with the White House wishes. The name for this COLLUSION. Or conspiracy. Or rigging a trial in advance and publicizing that fact. This is in direct violation of McConnell’s oath to run an impartial trial and is specifically against his constitutional responsibility. So the senate majority leader will NOT confer with the Democrats to come to an accord, but will be bound by Donnie’s wishes and whims. This is distinctly different from the Clinton impeachment where all 100 senators agreed to the terms of the trial. But Donnie deserves special treatment because, well, he’s the Donald! Because Mitch and his ilk have taken a new pledge, contrary to the pledge we all learned in elementary school. “I pledge allegiance to Donald Trump and to the corruption for which he stands. One nation, under Trump, VERY divisible. With garbage and alternate facts for all.” This third-finger salute to our Democracy, nakedly acknowledging that the senate trial will be a sham, not even having the decency of PRETENDING that McConnell cares about his constitutional duty to hold a fair trial bespeaks the Mad Cow disease that has infected former Republicans, and turned them all into Trumpublicans. More about the danger and delusions of Trumpublicans in another post.

My book starts with Donnie as a nine-year old cheating at Monopoly and throwing a temper tantrum when he’s caught. Whether it’s brain damage or sheer force of stubbornness, he hasn’t grown much, either intellectually or emotionally. In fact, on a past Howard Stern broadcast, he proudly proclaimed “I’m the same 9 year old I always was.” Except a nine-year old is usually curious about the world around him, and Donnie isn’t curious about anything. And so we have an uncurious, functionally illiterate brat pretending to be president, and the Repubs line up to venerate him as “God’s choice to lead the Country.” What??? I mean Donnie never had any intention to serve anyone or anything but his own self-interest, but the Repubs have pledged to serve and occasionally have served the National Interest.

People like Cruz, Rubio, Lindsey, Paul, Perry etc have all been recorded in 2016 saying “Trump must never be President, he’s a conman, dangerously unfit and unprepared, and a loudmouth and a bully.” But now they see these toxic qualities as a positive boon for the leader of the free world. A few Repub congressfolk have principles, but they’ve mostly resigned. So now Donnie’s brain damage has apparently infected the remaining Republican Party at large. I didn’t know a brain malfunction was contagious. Live and learn. Unless you’re Donnie Trump.